The Jerk : Funniest Quotes

What do y'all think are the funniest lines in the movie? Some of mine definately include:

"Somebody hates these cans!!"

and

"I grew up a poor black boy"

"What is it boy? A fire? *Shithead barks* Fire! Fire! Fire! Fiiiire!"

To write like JKR, you have to think like JKR. Me, 7/03/04, 5:11 PM

"Random son of a bitch"
"Son of a blocking bastard"

- M Emmet Walsh.

Driver: "Hey where ya headed?"
Navin: "St. Louis, where you going?"
Driver: "To the end of this fence."
Navin: Okay! *gets in truck*
Navin: "My name is Navin Johnson, what's yours?"
Driver: "Here we are."

lol that part is great.

Navin: I've heard about this cat juggling.

and

Navin: I AM NOT A BUM! I'm a jerk.

well, all the lines pretty much cracked me up.

(At the gas station)
Inventor: "damn these glasses!"

Navin: "Yes sir! I damn thee glasses!"

or

Navin: " Even though it's only been 4 weeks and three days since I've met you, it feels like nine weeks and five days. The first day felt like a week"

This movie still tickles me everytime I see it :)

Navin: The next time you make love to your boyfriend, will you think of me?
Marie: I haven't made love to him yet.
Navin: Well, if you ever make love to me, will you promise to think of him?
Marie: How about if you make love to him, and think of me?
Navin: As long as I'm in there somewhere.

Actually, it's a BLUE car, and he says "any BLUE Chevy"

Bernadette playing the trumpet is hilarious

Navin: " Even though it's only been 4 weeks and three days since I've met you, it feels like nine weeks and five days. The first day felt like a week"

LOL I love that one! Also that song when they are playing the instruments..awesome.


Samson:Fool! Your fare is the only thing stopping me from breaking your face!

---

Driver: "Hey where ya headed?"
Navin: "St. Louis, where you going?"
Driver: "To the end of this fence."
Navin: Okay! *gets in truck*
Navin: "My name is Navin Johnson, what's yours?"
Driver: "Here we are."

---

Navin : "oh thank you so much sir !!! If there's ever anything I can do for you please don't hesitate to ask !!!"

lol !!!!!

the best line ever is at the end

Navin: How'd you find me??
Dad: I dunnothis was the first place we looked

BEST EVER!!

yarr

"My friend Patty gave me a blowj*b"

Marie: "I heard a song that made me think about the way we were."
Navin: "What was the song?"
Marie: "The Way We Were."

I can't believe no one said a few of my favorites.

"She's no piece of a$$!"

"One dollar and NINE CENTS!"

Navin: How much is all this gonna cost me?
Mr. Hartounian: Nothing. When you're rich and famous, you can send me a postcard.
Navin: Postcard, huh. (thinking about it). Okay! It's a deal!

"You mean, I'm gonna stay this color."

those are all great, but the best part is the whole sh*t from shinola" scene.

"sh*tshinola"
"you gonna be alllright."

Navin: "Why Are you crying!"
Marie: "I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were!!!"
Navin: "What was the song?!"
Marie: "The Way We Were!!!"

Flippin awesome!

There are so many great lines in this movie, it's by far one of the best comedies out there. It just doesn't get better than this.

Taj: Navin? I wrapped your sandwich in cellophane, just like you like it. You wanna, wanna come in and sing some blues?
Navin: No thanks, Taj. There's something about those songs. They depress me.


Navin: The Lord loves a working man, don't trust whitey, see a doctor and get rid of it.


[In the bathroom at the gas station]
Navin: Like it? I love it! This is fabulous! I mean, you've got the toilet here! This must be the kitchen! (he looks in the stall) No. You know what I could do is take this wall and just turn it this way so I've a much larger living space plus, it will create a flow into the main living area. It will be incredible. No, no, I'll just elevate this about 6 inches, create the illusion of two rooms and yet still have that flow. And I could take bookshelves and put it here, no, I'll put the books right over here, that way I could be relaxing over here, the customers could come in, use the urinals, I won't disturb them, they won't disturb me, it
Harry Take it easy, it's not here. It's in here.
Navin Oh. I couldn't afford this anyway.


Navin: The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here!
Harry: Well I wish I could get so excited about nothing.
Navin: Nothing? Are you kidding?! Page 73, Johnson, Navin, R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book every day! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity, you're name in print, that makes people. I'm impressed! Things are going to start happening to me now.


Navin: (letter voice over) So mom, when I told Mr. Hartounian I'd come back, he said, "Don't be a putz. See the world. Me you've seen already. So I got a job with SJM Fiesta Shows as a weight guesser. Frosty my boss tells me there's a big future in weight guessing. Enclosed is four dollars and seventy five cents for my loving family. P.S. Is grandma still farting?


Navin: Ah! It's a profit deal! Takes the pressure off! Get your weight guessed right here! Only a buck! Actual live weight guessing! Take a chance and win some crap!


Patty: Turn around.
Navin: What?
Patty: Turn around. Go like this. (thrusts her hips) You're o.k. Give me a bite of that corn dog.
Navin: What about germs?
Patty: Put a rubber on it. Get on. (rides off on motorcycle)


Grandmother: (reading letter) My dear family, guess what. Today I found out what my special purpose is for. Gosh what a great time I had. I wish my whole family could have been here with me. Maybe some other time as I intend to do this a lot. Every chance I get. I think next week I'll be able to send some more money as I may have extra work. My friend Patty promised me a blow job. Your loving son, Navin. (stops reading) And he's got the kisses here.
Father: That Patty must be a sweet girl.
Mother: God bless her.


Navin: Do you ever think we'd get to know each other well enough to kiss?
Patty We don't have to. You're my man. It's like we're married. Look at my ass.
Navin: Gosh! You have my last name tattooed right there under the J's! First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass! You know, I bet more people see that then the phone book.


Navin: Really? A cosmetologist? That's unbelievable! That's impressive! It must be tough to handle weightlessness!


Navin: She's no great piece of ass! I mean uh, hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. We're all adults here, lets reason this out. Now Marie is the type of person that if you got
Patty: If Miss Class doesn't get her buns outta here, I'm going to drive this bike up her butt!
Navin: while Patty tends to be more direct.


Navin: (reading) Dear Nabbbin, Rouuu here eeerrr I searrrr forward
to tell mmmuuuhhhuuurrr to be Marie! Marie! *beep* come
here! Good idea!


Navin's Letter: You'd love her mom, she looks just like you. Except she's white and blond.


Navin: Opti-grabbing it!


Navin: (reading) Well mom, remember my dream of owning a big house on a hill and how I used to wish for a living room with a plaster lion in it from Mexico and how I always wanted a large twenty four seat dining table in a dining room with original oil paintings by Michelangelo and Rembrandt and remember how I always wanted a rotating bed with pink chiffon and zebra stripes and remember how I used to chit chat with dad about always wanting a bathtub shaped like a clam and an office with orange and white stripes and remember how much I wanted an all red billiard room with a giant stuffed camel and how I wanted a disco room with my own disco dancers and a party room with fancy friends and remember how much I wanted a big backyard with Grecian statues, s-shaped hedges and three swimming pools? Well, I got that too.


Boss: We'll keep the eggplants out!
Navin: Ah good! We don't want any vegetables.
Con Man: Na, na. The jungle bunnies!
Navin: Oh of course! They'll eat the vegetables!


Waiter: Would monsieur care for another bottle of Chateau Latour?
Navin: Ah yes, but no more 1966. Lets splurge! Bring us some fresh wine! The freshest you've got - this year! No more of this old stuff.
Waiter: Oui monsieur.
Navin: He doesn't realise he's dealing with sophisticated people here. Marie, now just stay calm. Stay calm. Don't look down, don't look down! Look up! Just keep your eyes up and keep them that way, o.k.! Waiter there are snails on her plate. Now get them out of here before she sees them! Look away, just look away, keep your eyes that way! You would think that in a fancy restaurant at these prices you could keep the snails off the food! There are so many snails there you can't even see the food! Now take those away and bring us those melted cheese sandwich appetizers you talked me out of!
Waiter: Oui monsieur.
Navin: Can you believe this? First, they didn't have the bamboo umbrellas for the wine, and now snails on the food! Two boobs! That's what he takes us for!


Marie: and put a balloon in your mouth. Do you have a balloon?
Navin: Ah, no, oh wait, yes!


Navin: Honey, you worry too much. Come on, lets plot this over and look at it another way. Why do you realize that in the past two short months we have acquired the sophistication it takes some people a lifetime to acquire? Come on, lets toast!


Marie: We've hit bottom.
Navin: No! Maybe you've hit bottom, but I haven't hit bottom yet! I got a ways to go. And I'm gonna to bounce back, and when I do, I'm going to buy a diamond so big it's going to make you puke!
Marie: I don't wanna puke!


Navin: Well I'm gonna to go then! And I don't need any of this! I don't need this stuff, (he pushes all of the letters off the desk), and I don't need you. I don't need anything except this (he picks up the ashtray) and that's it and that's the only thing I need, is this. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need. And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one - I need this! The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I am, some kind of a jerk or something? And this! And that's all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair.
[Outside the house]
Navin: And I don't need one other thing except my dog. *beep* growls) Well I don't need my dog.


Great, great movie!!! I think I'm going to have to go out & buy the DVD now. When I was a kid, my dad & I used to watch this movie together & laugh & laugh. So not only is it funny as hell, but it has some sentimental value as well.

marney you hit the spot!
the leaving speach is definately my fav because they the scene just went on an on. Hilarious!

Sing it with me now!

I'm picking out a thermos for you,
and maybe a berometer too
And what else can I buy, so on me you'll rely
a rectal thermometer too!

"P.S. , is Grandma still farting"?

Stan Fox: Stan Fox, buying gas.
Navin: Navin Johnso, selling it, sir!

and

Fox: Damn these glasses, son!
Navin: Yes sir! I DAMN THEE!

Navin: Oh, no, it's him! What's HIM doing here!?

The part where he mixes up "cosmetologist" with "cosmonaut"- EXCELLENT. But it's hard to pick a fave.

what kind of cigareete is that?

a joint

They dont make em' very good.

Navin: I'm gonna need a credit card

Mexican thug: Why? You don't have any money?

Navin: Oh no, we got lots of money. It's just that the banks are closed and I'm all alone here for the first time and if you flash this kind of money in front of some people, they'd kill you for it.

*Mexican thug hands Navin a credit card*

Navin: Ok Mrs. Nusbaum

Mexican #2 thug: Oh, I'm Mr Nusbaum

Mexican thug: Yeah, I can vouch for him

Navin: Ok, as long as we got a voucher!


I have a special purpose!!!


Be somebody! (big stupid smile)

Damn i wish i rememberd the exact dialouge, but that whole kitten juggling scene! Hilarious! Matins reaction and then he says something like "How can there be a God, if THAT is allowed to happen!" Damn i wish i knew the exact words!

"She promises me a blow job!"
"This guy hates these cans!"
"I was born a black child"

"What's your favourite colour?"
"Blueno" "AHHH"
-Monty Pyhon and the Holy Grail

(These are not may not be the correctly quoted from the movie, im writting these from memory)

It's perfect I wont have to change this at all!

And on the Third Day you went to your mother's and it only felt like one day but you came back in the evening and that felt like three day rolling over into the next day that felt like eight days all together

Come into the tub with me Marie Not you Sh!tHead

"you mean Im going to stay this colour?"

Man the jerk is the best movie EVER!!!

*grandma reading letter*

"I think next week I'll be able to send some more money as I may have extra work. my friend Patty promised me a blow job"

the reaction of the family is hilarious

turns out dad is a genius
all i did was take the money and invested it periodically in a no-load mutual fund

"He hates these cans!"

"Stay away from the cans!"


And

"Oh I'm picking out a thermos for you, not an ordinary thermos for you. But the extra best theros you can buy, with vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in!
I'm picking out a thermos for you, and maybe a barametor too. And oh what else can I buy, so on me you'll rely? A rare-end thermometer too!"

And now for something completely different.

"Lord loves a workin' man; don't trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it."

The situation cracks me up

Banker: "I'll need two forms of ID sir"
Navin: "Ah, yes I've got my temporary driver's license and my astronaut application form I failed everything but the birthday."


Me and my brother laughed for like ten minutes straight at that.

i can't believe no one quoted this one yet, it is absolutely one of my favorite moments of the movie:

Marie: I don't care about losing all the money. It's losing all the stuff.

your not out natural born child you where left on our porch

you mean im going to stay this colour

someting like that hehe thats funny
I thought i was indesisive but i cant make up my mind

HE hates these cans! Stay away from the cans! HE hates these cans too. Nobody go near the cans.


I Got to go now as somebody is staring at me through the window.

Guess your weight and win some crap!!!

You mean I am going to stay this color?

Thanks i'll repay you someday


Dahm These glasses?
Yes sir, i dahm thee

You sir are talking to a black man. Takes off clothes and starts karate chopping everybody.

Driver: "St. Louis?"

Navin: "No, Navin Johnson."

"I was born a poor black child"
and
"You mean I'm gonna stay this color?"

_______________________
"You've got red on you"

"I was born a poor black child"

Actually, that was part of one of Steve Martin's standup routines. Part of what followed was, "I had my cock shortened" (because he decided to become white).

Steve Martin is a very clever guy.

Navin: He hates these cans. Stay away from the cans.