Night Court : Dan One-Liners

Dan One-Liners

What's your favorite Dan Fielding one-liner? "Me Tarzan, you Lucky." "Let the games begin!!!"

Re: Dan One-Liners

"Where are the Muppets when you need them?"

"Starring Dan Fielding as the Scarecrow."

Re: Dan One-Liners

I recall an episode where they had to finish court by midnight, and the last perp had a record a mile long. Dan had been trying to get out with this German hottie, all night. Somebody had to read this guy's mile-long arrest record before midnight, and the court thought nobody could do it. Dan stepped up.

"Not while I've still got a chance at ten minutes in the broom closet with Matilda the Hun!"

Re: Dan One-Liners

yeah I remember the one Knsevy's talking about, when dan stepped up and talked like one of them auction guys, that was hilarious, and right in the middle of doing it he stops and takes a big ass breath, like he's drowning, then starts right back up reading again, thats gotta be one of the best episodes ever. My favorite line was on the Dan,Dan, Feilding episode, where the eskimoe girl, tells dan "new york, if I can make it there, I can make it anywhere" then dan says "ive made it everywhere, but here!" that's my favorite one liner

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It was Sheila in the closet I thought

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Do you know the name of this episode?

Re: Dan One-Liners

From the episode "Christine's Friend," after Christine has broken the news to Dan and Harry that her friend was thinking of taking one of them on a weekend trip. Dan does some sleazy, exaggerated dance and Christine asks why he always has to act like a rutting pig.

Dan: "I've gotta be me."



"May the Force be with you."

"I can do anything. Is America."

mariafan

Re: Dan One-Liners

After a bout of impotence, when he has the chance to make it with a woman who might be his future boss...

"The South shall RISE AGAIN!" (rips off his pants)



"You ever get the feeling there's something going on we don't know about?"

Re: Dan One-Liners

"Here's a match. Go light your breath and die."

"I've got two days to feed the homeless, help the poor, fill my bathtub with jello!"

"What? You had glue drying and you didn't call the rest of us?"

"Bull! I want to be your love slave!"

"Go suck a teabag!"

"Why don't you go back to your salt lick??"

"How much bigger can those puppies get??"

Re: Dan One-Liners

Oh, I thought of another one. When he is in the National Guard, and faking multiple injuries to avoid active duty before finding out his C.O. is a smoking hot girl and they're stationed on Cabo San Cabo. When he first sees her he's gawking with his jaw hanging open, and she says "You're supposed to salute a superior officer!" His reply: "Trust me, I am."

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"Wanna play with my Lincoln Log?" (Dan after getting 'transformed' into a kid)

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Re: Dan One-Liners

One of my favorite episodes was where Mac's friend Hondo visited. Hondo choked on a hot dog and when Mac applied the Heimlich maneuver, the hot dog flies out of his mouth and into Dan's coffee.

Of course, Dan drinks it and says "Columbian...the richest kind" ewwww!!!! I cracked up!!

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"I just swallowed 400 pounds of cellulite..... andI liked it." After a circus fat lady falls on him in court. I nearly died when I saw this.

Re: Dan One-Liners

Dan didn't say anything, but it was one of my favorite Dan moments. In the episode where the women were fighting over their father's ashes, and Art fixes the coffee maker and used the ashes to test it and Harry says, "That wasn't herb tea, that was Herb." And Dan had been drinking the "tea" from the coffee pot and it shows Dan with the cup to his mouth and then he pulls it away and is clearly disgusted by just drinking Herb.

Re: Dan One-Liners

yeah thats funny I also like the one where he and one of the first actresses were handcuffed together & Dan had to use the bathroom. At the end they get the handcuffs off and Dan uses the bathroom. They ask him how he felt and he jumped up in the air

Re: Dan One-Liners

To his new boss Vincent (the short person) when he asked directions:
"Down the hallway, take a right, and follow the yellow brick road!"

After Vincent made him sit down in court and angered him:
"I HATED you in E.T.!!!"

Speaking to beauty pagent contestants from other countries:
"Dan's apartment is goooood!"

BULL: "You'll never guess what Joy's nickname for me is"
DAN: "My little stubble-headed mutant?"
BULL: "Cute isn't it?"

To Sheila (his on again, off again sex partner after she cancelled their date to go out with a man how spoke extremely slowly:
"You're going to dump me for Zippy the Wonder Slug here?"

After his come when he finds out he had blood transfused from Phil:
"Yeah now we both got a hook worm!!!"

Re: Dan One-Liners

My favorite two...

"I haven't worn underwear since 1968"

Also there was an episode with Teri Hatcher, where she played the "little person's" sexy daughter. Teri was constantly teasing Dan, and at one point opened an overcoat and flashed him in the hallway. He then went into a closet and poured a fire hose down his pants - at the exact moment that the maintenance man was increasing the building's water pressure. (Ok it was a convoluted setup)

After a surge of water flooded Dan out of the closet, someone asked him "...pipe burst?"

Dan's answer "Damn near"

Well its been years since I've seen that episode, but in context it was a hilarious line.

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After witnessing Christine's awkward kiss with her boyfriend:

"I get more action fishing for my keys."

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The old man, who was very sexually active.

"You still got some ink left in the old fountain pen"

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ROFL!!! I am loving this entire post. I wish I could remember some specific Dan lines, but now that TVLand will be showing it regularly I'm sure they'll stick with me. Did anybody deserve his Emmys more than John Larroquette? I don't think so.

We've got movie sign!

Re: Dan One-Liners

Thank you very much Saffym. Since I started this hilarity, I guess I can take credit for it. TV Land is running Night Court marathons every day now. My TiVo runneth over!
Another favorite: Not a quote, but often on the show Dan would have to fetch things from his briefcase. Once he was assisting a woman in labor and he sent someone for surgical gloves. "Where are they?" "My briefcase! Top pocket!!"
Another time they needed batteries for some reason and he had a wide selection of different sizes in there. Just subtle little hints of his perversion that were frikkin hilarious.

Re: Dan One-Liners

I believe Phil got him the gloves. He also told the pregnant lady his real name (Rheinhold) because she wanted to name the kid after him. Then after he snapped the glove in place he says "I can write these off on my taxes now"

Re: Dan One-Liners

(In the one where his town council opponent dies but STILL beats him in the election) "Remember when alive was a GOOD thing to be?" also in that episode was "I don't get 'the blues.' Jellyroll Morton gets 'the blues.' I get DEVASTATED." Dan Fielding is the man; he was my first TV crush.

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Don't forget from that episode

Liz: How can you think of yourself in a time like this?

Dan: Because I have stood next to Death and people liked him better.

Push the button Frank-Dr. Forrester

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Dan comes into the courtroom wearing beachwear with a walkman on:

"Whatever happened to The Archies?"

Pat

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I have two favorite Dan moments.
The first was during "The Apartment". I believe that Bull had got Dan an erotic cake for his birthday. At some point Dan's date left and he took the cake into the kitchen. Later he pops his head up from in the kitchen and had frosting all over his face. Classic Dan
The next was when the gang was all getting dressed up for halloween. Dan showed up as Humpty Dumpty. Just the was he entered the room.

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I loved my shirt.

Push the button Frank-Dr. Forrester

Re: Dan One-Liners

From the episode where Dan is talking about what it would be like to be a judge:

"...And send people to *jail*!"

He clenches his fist and does the 'yeah!' gesture. I just fell over laughing.




"You're not right in the head/
and nor am I/ and this is why/
This is why I like you"

Re: Dan One-Liners

In the episode with that attractive judge when she was raising the bail/fine when she was sentencing Christine and they kept arguing, and when she got to the highest, Dan goes "Sold! American.".

"Don't blame me! Blame society!"-Carl "CJ" Johnson

Re: Dan One-Liners

In the episode where Christine was getting married to that dull guy who never got a joke until the end of the episode. Bull brought in a cake, that initially was intended for someone else. After Bull fixed the lettering on the cake Dan read the new writing: "Love is my saliva."

Other Fielding quotes:

To Harry: "Why don't you just shut your beanie little face!"
To Bull: "You almost know what's going on, don't you?"
After recovering from the incident where the heavy set bearded lady fell on him: "I was... Shamued!"
To a jumper: "So you're not getting any, big deal! What about us guys who are?"
Interviewed for his, 'Bull I want to be you love slave!' tv outburst incident: "I've pieced it together, and learned that I was kidnapped and drugged by... Soviet agents."

The episode where the courtroom's routine is being televised and the woman with the grenade. Dan attempts to win over voters trying to get the grenade from her: "I demand that you give me... (turns to the camera) Dan Fielding candidate for State Assembly... (back to the woman) the grenade!"

To defeat me is a challenge. To destroy me is impossible.

Re: Dan One-Liners

Dan is runing for political office, and het gets only one postcard in regards to his candidacy. Roz reads the message on the postcard: "Get your mud sucking pig face off my TV." Dan responds: "Ah, an undecided."

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The jumper episode...


Harry(?):Why would you want to jump?

Jumper: I'm 34
Dan: So am I
Jumper: Happy landings.

Re: Dan One-Liners

Dan is in a hotel room with Christine. He saved her life and she said she would sleep with him. They are interupted by a man out on the ledge threating to jump.
Harry: "Why do you want to jump"
Jumper: "Because I'm 34"
Dan: "So am I"
Jumper: "And I'm a virgin"
Dan: "Happy Landings"

Re: Dan One-Liners


Yeah I screwed that one up, but my brother reminded me of another good one. It's when the old Japanese businessman dies, and Bull loses the body

Harry: Bull, a corpse is a corpse!!!
Dan: Of course of course.


And another, from the episode where he drinks Herb (I think it's the same):

Harry: You mean Dad's dead?
Dan: Like a kipper on a cracker....(Looks at reaction of the daughters) I'm sorry to say.

Re: Dan One-Liners

The episode where Bull was struck by lightning.

Harry is explaining to Bull that it was Art, not God, that he heard after being struck. Art was saying "Give me some more...", Bull heard "Give to the poor..." and gave away all his savings.

When he finally understood what Harry was telling him he turned with an expression that he was begining to understand

Dan: "Yes it's starting to sink though the first 4 or 5 layers now."

Bull slaps his head (as he always does when he realizes he messed up)

Dan: "We have comprehension."



Also, the "Pipe burst?" comment earlier was slightly incorrect. At about the midpoint of the episode, Terri Hatcher's chacacter, Kitty I think, gave him some photos from the photo booth. She said to pay particular attention to number 5. Dan counted down and inhaled abruptly (apparently a very erotic photo). Dan then turned the photo over and inhaled even more abruptly. Then hosed himself down in the maintenance closet with the fire hose. Then he showed up in Harry's office with soaking wet pants, asking to borrow Harry's iron to dry them. That is when Harry asked if a pipe had bursted and Dan responded "Damn near". This was the Red Ranger episode, the Red Ranger also had a good one-liner here when he told Dan "Don't fret. You'll outgrow that". Refering to his soaked pants.

At the end of the episode is where Kitty flashed him and he again went to the Maintenance Closet to hose down. However, Art was trying to find a water leak so he filled all the fire hoses with tremendous amounts of compressed air. When Dan opened the valve, the air released and blew the door off the closet. He emerged with his suit jacket half off and his pants torn up. He stopped a bum in the hallway and delivered another one-liner, "Got a cigarette?".

Re: Dan One-Liners

I always like when they are beginning a case and Harry says, "Mr. Prosecutor?" Dan always manages to come up with a goofy nickname for the defendants..."Well, Your Honor, the, uh, 'Sultan of Sludge' here is charged with..."

Charles to Hawkeye: Ah, the rapier wit of an armless D'Artagnan.

Re: Dan One-Liners

Dan is trying to get information for the FBI on crime boss Joseph Schiavelli in episode 9.6. The wire starts to overheat and burns Dan so he runs into the bathroom and tears the wire of his chest, screaming from the pain. After flushing the toilet and stepping out of the bathroom he says, "Kidney stones."

Then when he goes to sit back down, he discovers the wire stuck to the bottom of his shoe: "Wire!"

Joseph Schiavelli - "Wire?"

Dan - "Why're my kidneys bothering me?!" He goes back into the bathroom and next again you hear the toilet flush.

To defeat me is a challenge. To destroy me is impossible.

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Looking at Christine's breats and remarking "Oh look.......my favorite pair....)

Re: Dan One-Liners

I have one One-Liner and one scene that crack me up every time.

Dan's boss was a little person and they got into an argument (if I remember correctly, the often mentioned "Kitty" was his daughter). Anyway the boss says, "...I'll cut you off at the knees!" And Dan simply says, "I'd still be taller than you!"


The scene is the one where Christine's dad and Dan become friends, and he is hanging out over at Christine's house with her dad. Later they are in court and Dan pulls out a pair of panties and points at Christine and mouths the words, "these are yours"...and she just shouts, "You SLEAZE!"

-Windquake

Re: Dan One-Liners

Glad to see this thread is still alive and kicking.

A new favorite that popped into my head the other day: When Dan is trying to get Bull to hit him and keeps insulting him over and over. "You're an evolutionary U-turn, you know that Buddy???!!!

I am not going to sit on my ass as the events unfold to determine my life. Cameron

Re: Dan One-Liners

After Christine asks how she can repay Dan, he says, "Sleep with me."

Same episode. Dan had to loosen constrictive clothing per the instructions. He has her upper garments in hand. "Better to be safe than sorry."

To defeat me is a challenge. To destroy me is impossible.

Re: Dan One-Liners

Where Dan is reunited with his old college roomie, "Chip"/Charlene, where she questions his manhood and Dan vehemently proclaims:

"HEY! I HAVE HAD EVERY WOMAN IN THIS BUILDING!!! I HAVE HAD STEWARDESSES FROM FOURTEEN DIFFERENT FOREIGN COUNTRIES!!! I HAVE HAD DEN MOTHERS...!”

Or during the Hurricane episodes with the maternity class defendants and he paraphrases for the hispanic couple, "El cinema... coochie-coochie..."

Re: Dan One-Liners

Dan is handcuffed to a briefcase with a bomb in it (by a guy who Dan used to pick on).

Dan is told by the guy that he had better not tell anyone that he has a bomb handcuffed to him or the guy will detonate the bomb.

Dan goes up to the bench to do his job as prosecuto: "You honor, the defendant, bomb in my briefcase, has many priors and has shown an unwillingness, bomb in my briefcase, to obey the laws, bomb in my briefcase.

Christine, then goes on: "Your honor, the prosecutor is clearly ...OH MY GOD HE HAS A BOMB IN HIS BRIEFCASE!!!!"

At that, the guy stands up in his chair and yells: "FREEZE! Anyone who makes one move, and I'll blow up Fielding to kingdom come!"

At that, everyone in the spectators gallery immediately runs the hell out of the courtroom. Dan then looks over at Christine, Harry, Roz, Bull, Mac, who are just standing there frozen for a second before they too run ther hell out of the courtroom.

Dan's response: "And I thank you for your support."

During Christine's pregnancy…..

The episode where she decided she was going to move back to Buffalo because she was starting to believe that Tony would either die on assignment or simply flake out on parenthood once he returned (he didn't find out about her pregnancy 'til she was in labor).....

She's having a going away party at her apartment and I can't specifically remember if it was Harry or Bull who was filming the whole thing on camcorder (I wanna say it was Bull), but whoever it was turned to Dan and asked if he had any advice for the child.....

Dan pauses briefly......and then says "you're gonna looooooooooooooove breast-feeding".

Re: During Christine's pregnancy…..

One I remember is when Bob and June Wheeler were in court telling their latest misfortune:

Christine: Your honour, due to the pathetic circumstances of this case, I ask the court to dismiss the charges.
Harry: Any objections from the prosecution?
Dan: Why don't we just shoot them and put them out of their misery!?

Re: During Christine's pregnancy…..

Yes, Dan had many great non-sexual lines. For instance (keep in mind this was back when it costed 10 or 20 cents to use a public phone):

Harry: If I had a dime for every woman (I had)
Dan: You could make a phone call

I'm glad that joke was always left in every time the show was re-run to this day, even though a new viewer might say, "So he had 5 women... and that's funny? He did better than me!"

Re: During Christine's pregnancy…..



When Bull lost the body of the dead Japanese industrialist.

Harry: Bull, how could you lose him? A corpse is a corpse!!!"

Dan: Of course of course....

Re: During Christine's pregnancy…..

Another one from Dan to the Wheelers: "You brush your teeth with your fingers, don't you?"

“Protect the child.” - Robert McCammon's Swan Song
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