Colombiana : 1000 things i learned while watching Colombiana(spoliers)

1-If you're a little girl and you have something to
hide,hide it in your mouth,go to the cops,vomit the
whole thing on the desk.The cops won't mind and they
won't even put on gloves to pick it up.

2-If you need to kill someone in a prison,don't
forget to bring your Catwoman suit.


3-If you're a female assassin,be sexy whenever it's
possible.

4-Indoor sharks are never dangerous if you're a
female assassin.

5-When a fat bad guy sleeps with chicks,you
can easily draw something on his chest and
he won't notice until he wakes up.

6-Always take the bullets out of the bad guys'guns
but always leave the guns close to the dead bodies.


7-After killing most of the bad guys,don't wipe
off the blood on your face before having a conversation
with the main bad guy.

8-You don't have to kill all the bad guys all by
yourself.Animals like sharks and dogs can help you
get the job done.

9- In Columbia, its perfectly natural for little girls to come out of sewers in the middle of a busy street. People passing by said girl will just casually look over and keep walking/driving.

10- In America its perfectly ok to randomly pull out a gun and shoot up cars in front of an elementary school.

"Greater GOOD?!? I am your WIFE! I'm the greatest good you are EVER gonna get!"

That's ColOmbia!

9.5 AND that 80 lb. little girls will have absolutely no trouble at all lifting 100 lb. manhole covers to escape the sewer.

11-If you think your friend's girl is cute you can call up your friend who works in a precinct and has access to anyone and everyone's identity to run a trace for you on their computer so you can try and steal her from said friend.

12-It's "impossible" for women to be assassins.

13-If you shoot someone from beneath the floor above you and they immediately throw a grenade you can somehow end up on the balcony a floor above them before it goes off.

Yeah, I got nothing.

11-If you think your friend's girl is cute you can call up your friend who works in a precinct and has access to anyone and everyone's identity to run a trace for you on their computer so you can try and steal her from said friend.



He didnt do that to try and steal her from the friend; he did that because he wanted to help his friend get info on the girl. He thought he was doing something good. I don't know where you got the idea that he was trying to steal her from the friend.



This is my signature and I'm sticking to it. lol

Oh and lest I forget

14-Dogs can hear you give commands such as "eat" over a cellular phone when they are at least a foot away.

Yeah, I got nothing.

15. When the man you've been sleeping with finds out you kill people for a living, he won't be revolted or, really, act very surprised at all. He will just say "I had no idea!"

16- That when a Black person is starring in a movie, people ask 50 questions about and cant fathom a minority starring in a movie

"The Truth may Hurt but to Lie is Agony"

16- That when a Black person is starring in a movie, people ask 50 questions about and cant fathom a minority starring in a movie

"The Truth may Hurt but to Lie is Agony"


hahaha. Philly, so true. I asked a similar question, like, if it were Scarlett Johanson or Charlize Theron, would we be reading all this negative questions and comments? I declare not.



This is my signature and I'm sticking to it. lol

Yes, we would - because the movie is TERRIBLE. Seriously - it's really really terrible.

It was on bluethooth speaker.

It was on bluetooth speakers.

17- Apparently SD memory cards were available in 1992, years before they were invented


"Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money"

17.5 Don't forget that these same anachronistic SD memory cards ALSO morph magically into 3.5" floppy disks as they are transferred from puke to computer.

18- It is better to unnecessarily drive a truck through the unopened gates of your own building than to open the gates before leaving your property

"Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money"

19. Cataleya got advanced TV programming and copies of Xena comic books 5 years beforehand.

20. Being black in a Spanish speaking country is a very hard concept to understand.

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20. Being black in a Spanish speaking country is a very hard concept to understand.

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How is that a very hard concept to understand. In MANY Spanish speaking countries being black was extremely common, including Colombia. Do basic research.

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19. Cataleya got advanced TV programming and copies of Xena comic books 5 years beforehand.

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I knew that date seemed off when they first showed it.

____
It is hard not to sound condescending when you are explaining things to an idiot!

I learned that Cliff Curtis (a Maori) can play a Colombian.

21- If you're a 9-year-old girl from Colombia in the early 1990s, you'd have access to a time machine and you'd be able to visit the future to get technology (see #17), comics (see #19), and currencyfrom the future!

"Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money"

22. When finally fulfilling your lifelong quest of confronting the man who murdered your parents "in front of you" (or not really in front of you, but whatever), you will find yourself, not wanting to cut his throat, break his skull, or shoot him in the gut (before exchanging any words), but to give him a whole bunch of rat-tails, because as any 12-year-old knows, that is the worst pain in the world.

23. You can talk and argue loudly in a library and no library staff will come over to shush you.

24. You can easily lift yourself up the ledge of the building or fight like Jackie Chan even though you have no muscle definition on your skinny arms at all.

25. You kill all the tough guys with great skill but get you ass kicked by the weakest looking of them all.
26. A 9 year old girl can go from Colombia to Chicago and locate her criminal uncle with virtually no help at all.
27. When a SWAT team suddenly infiltrates your apartment make sure you grab the biggest rifle you can find.
28. As a professional assassin you fail to protect those closest to you.FAIL.


Life is too short for us to love.Where do we find the time to hate.

29. American police departments have orchid databases.

30. After killing of all the bad guys in the finnal battle. It's natural to let the mainboss escape in a dogrigged car (of course you knew he was gonna take that particullar one out of the dussin in the garage). You then proceed to let the dogs kill him by wispering to them through a cellphone

31. If someone trains a (visible) laser sight on you in your office, don't duck, hit the deck, or take any precautionary measures. Just let yourself be manipulated by the sniper shooting through your office windows.

32. Impaling someone's neck with the slide of a Beretta handgun is the most effective means of killing them.

33. Greyhound will just let any 10 year old girl buy a bus ticket from Miami to Chicago without any accompaniment of an adult.

34. Boyfriends are remarkably understanding and forgiving when you tell them you've been a cold-blooded assassin bent on revenge. Yeah, I can't wait to date a woman like that, psychological issues and all.

-
Veni, Vidi, Oh Just Facit!

40. Airvents are always easy accessible and the screws are easily opened with just your hands.
41. If you are a professional assassin you don't need shoes to to escape the FBI

43. God kills a kitten unless you average more than 2 edits per second, therefore, Olivier "Megaton" must love kittens.

So true.

(The ironic thing being that kittens actually enjoy slower-paced character-development dramas.)

44. If you smash a police car while drunk, they will just put you in the drunk tank, and let you out the next day

45. A library card is good enough for the police to prove your identity

46. A 9 year old girl knows how to parkour and is able to do so better than ripped adult men

47. There are very few surveillance cameras in the police office

48. If a 9 year old girl asks her uncle to teach her to become an assasin the best option is to agree

49. Female assasins don't care about social interactions with men, all they want is sex

50. Computer chips that have been ingested, mixed with saliva and vomit then thrown up still function the minute you put them into a computer

51. If a child in Colombia tells you that a micro-chip is her passport to America, you agree and put her on the next flight to America. No need for visa, actual passport, verification from parents/guardians etc

52. Experienced police officers will not notice if you are wearing latex gloves whilst they take your finger prints.

53. Someone can draw a large, elaborate picture on your chest whilst you sleep and neither yourself nor the four young women on the same bed as you will notice until it is over.

54. You can walk and run barefoot into sewers, past explosions and across various debris without stepping on something harmful

55. A load of witnesses see a man with a little girl shoot at a car with a gun, then talk to the little girl, then walk away with her without getting stopped and without him having to run away

56. In Chicago's rough neighbourhoods, little girls can walk the streets at night with no fear of danger or attack, in fact a kindly grizzly man will randomly ask you what you want and take you to exactly who you need to see

57. You can bribe the principal of a school to persuade them to allow your child to attend their school mid-way through the semester

58. A strong hair pin can open prison doors

59. You can conceal a catsuit pretty well underneath a tight fitting short dress

60. A school in a small town like Chicago will not check you for weapons upon entering the building.

61. When you're DUI and you collide at speed and ram a police car, they will book you and take your fingerprints, but they will NOT take a mugshot. Should they later wish to know what you look like, the only evidence they will have is grainy surveillance video. You see, attempted vehicular manslaughter is only a misdemeanor in the US. Also, an old library card is sufficient as proof of ID.

62. Attacking a mobster with toothbrushes will easily defeat them every time - something to do with fluoride toothpaste.

63. Don't swim in a shark filled swimming pool if it is your "time of the month" - it could prove a bit risky.

"Kill them Kill them all "

64. School teaches you how to become a GOOD killer. Bad killers just shoot cars randomly.

65. When a killer is in your house and you have hidden in the best hiding spot ever, go out when you are sure all your guards have been killed already and there is no one but the killer who's after you

65- Chicago police use custom made operating systems for their computers

66- Chicago police has to wait for their magic Morphological recognition software to match a zoomed out picture from a low def security camera to a portrait taken on a 3 Mega Pixel camera instead of taking mug shot of the people they arrest.

67- When you're a 10 years old girl in Columbia you already grasp the concept of life and death, revenge etc and are psychologically strong enough to not panic when your mum and dad are having a gunfight in your house staircase. Better yet your nerve of steel let's you stick a knife in the hand of some drug lord.

68. Even people who post "things I learned while watching Colombiana" make a lot of mistakes about what happened in the movie.

Overall, these are hilarious.

No, Zoe does not need implants.

51. If a child in Colombia tells you that a micro-chip is her passport to America, you agree and put her on the next flight to America. No need for visa, actual passport, verification from parents/guardians etc



The info on that chip was so valuable, and they knew the child was in danger now, that I think she meant "protection". The word passport was just a type of metaphor. She meant "my ticket out of this place".

I agree with your no 59 though. How the hell did she hide that catsuit under that tight dress. lol



This is my signature and I'm sticking to it. lol

49. Female assasins don't care about social interactions with men, all they want is sex


I do believe this is true. They have to cut themselves off from actually feeling emotion. They have to be almost like sadists, because once they become emotional, they can become vulnerable. So I agree that they don't care about social interactions. Therefore your no 49 won't apply, I dont think.



This is my signature and I'm sticking to it. lol

77: If someone is in your bathroom, attack them with your teeth brusher

Whilst watching the film I couldn't wait to come on here and see "1000 things i learned while watching Colombiana". Entertaining film, but so many plot holes it's ridiculous!

While I agree that there are quite a few plot holes in this movie. 90% of this list is completely wrong and they are easily explained.

69: If the FBI can prove you were in a building at the same time a murder was commited, they can easily get a warrant to evacuate the building you live in, blow up your apartment, call in several SWAT teams to arrest/kill you, tap your sex buddies cell phone, have you wanted across the nation and so forth But the FBI can NOT get any information from the CIA, no sir because that is classified.

70: When you're an FBI agent in Chicago, yelling to the SWAT team to search the "boots" of the cars in the garage is known to be code for searching the trunks.

If you already knew that you and your family's lives' in imminent danger, don't take time telling the people guarding your house (stationed at the gates)to be extra alert.

http://tinyurl.com/cxfd2u2

71. A 100 lb. woman can swim in a covered pool with sharks and then be able to easily lift up and over a glass/plexiglass panel which weighs more than her without bracing herself against something like the bottom of the pool.



You remind me of him. You forget to remember to be afraid.